Baby Intoxication

A couple of months ago, we discussed A Severe Mercy for book group (haven't written about it here yet, but will soon). It is mostly the memoir of an amazing marriage. As we were talking about the feelings of young love, it struck me that having an infant is a lot like being newly in love. The gazes, the cooing and talking for his-ears-only, and the focus of devotion and adoration--from both mother to baby and vice versa too. It really is intoxicating. It's happened with all three of my kids.

When Z was very little, my visiting teachers came over. I fed him and then sat with him in my arms, chatting with them. Then, I glanced down at him and his gaze was fixed on my face. It took me by surprise a little bit, and I was transfixed. His look was so steady and pure. He seemed to be looking at me in pure adoration. I cooed at him and was a little overcome with emotion. I felt like I was the center of his (admittedly very small) world. I felt like I was everything to him. While I clash wills with my other two, when they say "Go away mommy" and "NO! I won't!", here he was, just so content to gaze up at his mother. And when I am feeling fat and ugly and unsocial, there is no judgement in his eyes. He still adores me all the same.

Another similar experience happened before he was a month old when I was up with him the in the middle of the night. I had fed him and he wasn't going back to sleep, so I sat down at the computer with him in my arms. When I looked down, he was smiling up at me, eyes shining. It was one of his first smiles and it melted my heart.

Today, when we were out running errands, a woman started cooing and smiling at Baby Z and he immediately gave her one of his wide mouthed, gummy smiles. She commented, "Oh, so beautiful! He smiles with his eyes too." And it's true--his eyes really do light up when he smiles. I love when he catches my gaze across the room and smiles at me.

I think it's love!