Hospital Stays

On Friday, Feb 29, 2008, at 12:55 pm our son was born. We have been in the hospital the last two days, and I'm sure that I will write more about our time there. All my experiences, though, being pregnant, giving birth, the hospital stay, and those early hours and days of having a newborn has caused me to reflect on my memories of what happened with my two other children.


When MJ was born, AJ scarcely left my side during our time in the hospital. He went home for a few hours to upload some photos of her the second day, I think, but was right there the rest of the time. He was there after a somewhat difficult delivery when I still on an IV--he helped me brush my teeth and wash my face when I couldn't move from my bed the first night. He woke up in the middle of the night when she came in to eat. He was there trying to help me figure out the breastfeeding. He was as infatuated with her as I was. I remember our time in the hospital as being sheltered, calm, and magical.

With T, it was entirely different. We had just relocated from NYC to Pittsburgh 7 weeks before his birth. AJ had started business school, and I was desperately trying to finish a dissertation chapter before the baby came. I visited a new ob practice a few times for those last few weeks--care was fine, but I wasn't too excited about my new doctor. When we started to make plans for what we would do with MJ when the baby came, we didn't know a lot of people yet. In the middle of the night on September 25, my water broke. We called a fellow student and his wife whom we had asked for middle of the night back up and headed to the hospital. T was born a little before 10 am, and MJ was hanging out with our friends. AJ called our babysitter and told her that we were in the hospital. She went over to our house and took care of MJ for the rest of the day, bringing her to the hospital at around 4:30. MJ stayed a little while--she gave me a card she made, we ate dinner together, she was introduced to her new baby brother. But, a three year old can only handle so much time in a hospital. Soon, probably around 6 pm, AJ took her home so that she could go to bed. I had the whole night to myself.

Because we didn't know anyone yet, I had no hospital visitors. I was sad that AJ had gone. And I didn't have much to do. T was sleeping a lot and I just hung out. AJ was worried about me and had put in phone calls to lots of out-of-town friends, encouraging them to give me a call, so I spent part of that night on the phone chatting. I went to sleep waking up a few times in the night to feed T and get my vitals taken.

The next day was Sunday, and it just so happened that on that very day, there was a big annual run. Its route was on a major street that ran all the way across Pittsburgh, essentially cutting the city in half. Our house was on one side of the street, and the hospital was on the other. AJ was supposed to drop MJ off at church where she could stay with someone and then go home with them for the afternoon. But, he had a very difficult time getting her there. With the road closed off, every route that he tried to take was shut off. I had waken up, showered, eaten breakfast, seen the pediatrician and ob on rounds, and was now just waiting for him to come. Waiting and waiting. I had no idea where he was. He finally made it to the hospital about 11:00, and by this time, I had just about lost it. I was teary and upset, and he felt terrible. I was desperate to leave the hospital, but the pediatrician wanted the baby to stay an extra night to make sure everything looked good before discharge.

AJ stayed with me for the rest of the afternoon, and I think we must have had a repeat of Saturday afternoon's activities: MJ came to visit, we ate dinner together, and then they left to go home.

All in all, I was depressed and lonely during my hospital stay (however, the food was good and I had a shower in my own room which is different than this time around).

One of my biggest secrets during that time when T was a newborn was the lack of connection I felt towards him. With MJ, I had such a surge of emotion the moment she was finally born. Maybe the 3 hours of pushing heightened my gratitude that she was finally with us. Early the morning after her birth, I walked to the nursery to get her and was so amazed that this beautiful baby was ours. I remember the surprise and awe I felt gazing at her during our time in the hospital.

With T, the delivery was much easier. I had expected the birth experiences to be more similar, and my primary feeling after he was born was shock that it had happened so quickly. He also hardly made any noise after he was born, compared to MJ's extended screaming. And he looked so different from her. He had some hair, but nothing like the dark, curly, full head of hair that she had. He was paler, and his lips seemed abnormally large and red against his fair skin. His eyes, instead of being wide, were more like crescent moons. In short, I didn't think he was cute.

Maybe that, combined with the depression I felt in the hospital, inhibited me from bonding with him. In our early days at home with him, I went through the motions of feeding him and caring for him, but I didn't feel connected to him. All this seemed to be more evidence about my lack of maternal instincts and my overall inadequacies and inabilities to be a good mother. I was comparing myself to what I perceived was every other mother's experience: a deep bond the first time she viewed her newborn.

Eventually (I don't remember how long it took), I felt that same infatuation and amazement with T. It was like falling in love. But, I didn't want to tell anyone that I didn't feel it right away.

With baby Z, I knew that I wanted AJ with me through our whole hospital stay. I wanted to share this experience as fully as we could. We made a lot of plans, based on all sorts of contingencies, but in the end, with a scheduled induction, it was easy to completely schedule MJ and T's time. We had so man people willing to help us out, and I felt comfortable that the kids would be just fine without us. A good friend of ours stayed here with them the first night, and then the second night, they were up at my aunt and uncle's house.

Over and over in the hospital, I felt waves of gratitude that AJ could be with me. The kids came a couple of times to visit, and he left with them to eat and to do a couple of other things so that they wouldn't feel excluded, but mostly he was with me. We enjoyed the quiet time with our baby. We talked a lot about names and which we were going to choose. We talked to family. We watched a movie. Again, he was there in the middle of the night when Z came in to eat. He was able to talk to the nurses and doctors with me. It was a wonderful time to be together with our new baby.