Since I am currently not working outside of our home, I have the lion's share of responsibility for all things domestic. I take charge of meals: meal planning, grocery shopping, and making dinner. I do all the laundry, save for folding socks, hanging up shirts, and putting clothes away. I am primarily in charge of tidying up the house and doing the heavier cleaning: vacuuming, bathrooms, etc. I do the day to day maintenance.
During the Christmas season, I have taken on most of the Christmas tasks: I have thought through all the kids' presents and done the research to find them, and after getting a "that sounds good" from AJ, ordered them online or purchased them. I have planned the Christmas meal and Christmas week meals and done all the grocery shopping. I got the family photo into a card and ordered it and picked it up. We did collaborate on the writing of the Christmas letter, but I bought a new printer cartridge and printed all the letters and address labels. I personalized the majority of the Christmas cards. AJ set up the tree with the kids and put the lights on the tree. He did most of the tree with them at the beginning of the month. I took take of almost all of the extended family gifts that we gave this year, with the exception of AJ's brother, whose present he ordered and had shipped to his house. I made 5 batches of cranberry salsa to give to all the neighbors and our visiting/home teaching families. AJ has started to deliver them.
And then, in addition to all this, I was in charge of our RS enrichment dinner and program.
I don't think of myself as particularly good at any of these tasks. Although for the most part, I don't mind doing them, but I don't particularly love doing them either. I have done them because they need to be done. When I don't take charge, things slide. We have scrambled eggs for dinner. The house is a mess. This has happened in the past. And this year, we would not have done the same things for Christmas if I didn't do them. And, this is understandable. I stay home. I have all this flexible time that AJ does not. He is working full time.
And the fact is, AJ does do a lot at home, especially with the kids. Every day, I am grateful that he can help get MJ ready for school and onto the bus before he leaves for work. His hours are reasonable--he is almost always home for dinner by 5:30, and he doesn't have to travel a lot. He often puts the kids to bed. MJ and T absolutely love being around their dad and spending time with him.
My problem is not so much what AJ and I do at home . What I have been thinking about lately is how a lot of what I do could fairly easily be done by just about anyone. I could hire someone to clean my house. I could have my groceries delivered. Another person could cook meals for my kids. My domestic skills are, frankly, nothing special. The only thing in the domestic sphere, really, where I feel I could not find a substitute is the things I do with my kids. And that goes for AJ too as a dad. But, I can outsource some of the childcare. It's true. And T has recently started preschool. I can see how things will be quite a bit different when my kids are in school.
During the Christmas season, I have taken on most of the Christmas tasks: I have thought through all the kids' presents and done the research to find them, and after getting a "that sounds good" from AJ, ordered them online or purchased them. I have planned the Christmas meal and Christmas week meals and done all the grocery shopping. I got the family photo into a card and ordered it and picked it up. We did collaborate on the writing of the Christmas letter, but I bought a new printer cartridge and printed all the letters and address labels. I personalized the majority of the Christmas cards. AJ set up the tree with the kids and put the lights on the tree. He did most of the tree with them at the beginning of the month. I took take of almost all of the extended family gifts that we gave this year, with the exception of AJ's brother, whose present he ordered and had shipped to his house. I made 5 batches of cranberry salsa to give to all the neighbors and our visiting/home teaching families. AJ has started to deliver them.
And then, in addition to all this, I was in charge of our RS enrichment dinner and program.
I don't think of myself as particularly good at any of these tasks. Although for the most part, I don't mind doing them, but I don't particularly love doing them either. I have done them because they need to be done. When I don't take charge, things slide. We have scrambled eggs for dinner. The house is a mess. This has happened in the past. And this year, we would not have done the same things for Christmas if I didn't do them. And, this is understandable. I stay home. I have all this flexible time that AJ does not. He is working full time.
And the fact is, AJ does do a lot at home, especially with the kids. Every day, I am grateful that he can help get MJ ready for school and onto the bus before he leaves for work. His hours are reasonable--he is almost always home for dinner by 5:30, and he doesn't have to travel a lot. He often puts the kids to bed. MJ and T absolutely love being around their dad and spending time with him.
My problem is not so much what AJ and I do at home . What I have been thinking about lately is how a lot of what I do could fairly easily be done by just about anyone. I could hire someone to clean my house. I could have my groceries delivered. Another person could cook meals for my kids. My domestic skills are, frankly, nothing special. The only thing in the domestic sphere, really, where I feel I could not find a substitute is the things I do with my kids. And that goes for AJ too as a dad. But, I can outsource some of the childcare. It's true. And T has recently started preschool. I can see how things will be quite a bit different when my kids are in school.
At the enrichment dinner last week, we had a conversation at dinner about staying at home as a mother. One person, whose youngest child will be in 1st grade next year, said that she is so tired of people asking her if she will work next year and what she will do with her time. She says that she will do the same thing as she does now. (Obviously, this is not entirely true. Her child will not be there. She will not have to worry at all about what he is doing and taking him with her wherever she goes.) She mentioned going to the grocery store as an example. The shopping will still have to be done. I admit, I often wonder what the days of stay-at-home moms whose kids are all in school look like. I'm sure that good things are done, I just can't really imagine what the rhythms of that life would look like.
The only thing keeping me home right now is my kids--and even then, I daydream about working. I hope to find a part time job with a flexible working arrangement in the near future. I can't imagine choosing to stay home when my kids are in school. I don't really like domestic life. I really don't know what I would do with my time all day. Clean my house? Do my grocery shopping? Add a few volunteer activities? Be the super-involved mom, planning out everything for my kids? I can't think of anything I would like less.
Anyway, back to my problem. My problem is that I don't want to specialize in domestic management. But, it's what I'm doing right now. I resent that the tasks I do on a regular basis--what I am specializing in--could be easily done by many other people. I want to specialize in being the mother of my kids, just as I want the same for AJ as their father. But, I also want to specialize in something else where I can use my human capital built up by many years of education, where I can contribute to my family income. It's what AJ is doing. I see his career stretching out years into the future. The ways that he is learning, the growth and trajectory that he can expect. He is specializing and it is benefitting our family. I am grateful for what he does. I just wish that we could share the domestic and economic spheres more. I don't really want to be in charge of the domestic stuff. I don't really want to be the household manager.
At this point, I am tired of the extended domestic lifting I have been doing. I am tired of doing the dishes and sweeping the floor yet again and doing the Christmas planning. I don't want to bend over to pick up the Uno cards again and all the other stuff on the ground at 30 weeks pregnant. It seems that the things I do at home are seldom recognized, and that within a short time of me doing tasks, the floor is messy again, T has written his name on the wall again, the laundry room floor is messy and dirty. I really dislike that. But, Christmas is around the corner. If the house is messy for Christmas, then I will be cranky. I know that about myself. So I will probably go back to picking up and doing the dishes later tonight. But, I am also going to strategize for how I can find a job. And I am going to finish reviewing that paper for EEPA.
This is all a big jumble. I know that. I just needed to get some thoughts out. I was hoping that it would make me feel better.
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