Sunday, July 12, 2009

Another thing I realized this week

AJ was talking about work. About meetings. About consultants coming in to analyze the company inefficiencies. About development budgets. And I realized that I have very little idea of what his days really are like. On the other hand, my days are completely known to him. It's about driving kids places, making meals, picking up, reading books with the kids. It's what he does when he is home.

My world felt completely subsumed in his. And I felt resentful about it.

7 comments:

Maryanne said...

I've certainly felt that way (and still do-- it just comes and goes as far as really bothering me). Our lives seem to revolve around Jared-- our moves, our busy times leading up to boards, our schedule. I sometimes get really angry about it. Sick of it. On the other hand, I know he feels like it's controlling him too.

One thing though, does AJ really know what your days are like? I guess Jared knows what we generally do, but I don't think he really has any idea of the rhythm of the day-in day-out workings. Not that it's mysterious and grand, although some days when I'm sitting in the sun at the playground with my kids being sweet and cute I think, yeah, I get this and he doesn't. The sheer time I spend with them is both gift and burden.

Melinda said...

Hope you don't mind be jumping in on the conversation...

Half of it seems to be a lack of willingness to let me in on his life! C keeps so much of his life inside, that he keeps landing me surprises with how he thinks when it does finally come out.

Belle said...

Maryanne, I know that it's not so black and white as I portrayed it. There are many things that I do that he doesn't really get to be a part of, caring for the kids and otherwise. But, we are jointly involved in the child raising. He gets to be fully involved in that, albeit in a different way from me. But, at the same time, he is building a career, getting to know many people, using his brain for something very different than what I do, and I find that hard. I feel sometimes like I'm stagnating, and he's moving on intellectually without me.

I think you're absolutely right about the time both with children and in a career as the sole provider for a family is both a gift and a burden. And to me, right there is a good reason to find ways to share both the providing and the nurturing. So AJ will have more chance to be involved in the kids' lives and so I will be able to work and lessen the stress he feels about being financially responsible for a whole family.

Melinda--I can totally see that with C. I hope you are enjoying your new residence and job and all that goes with it. And thanks for commenting!

AJ is really a talker and will talk easily about his work and other things too. Sometimes to the point where I'm like--NO MORE ACRONYMS please. Make it a little more streamlined please. He can't really keep much from me. But, I think that it would add an extra dimension of difficulty with someone who is less prone to communicate.

Brooke said...

I know how you feel, also -- Brian likes talking about his work, but he's reached a level of proficiency in what he does that makes it difficult to describe in layman's terms. It's almost incomprehensible to me -- and would be to anybody without a strong background in genetics. Yes, there is the occasional interesting patient, the weird disease that makes for a good story, but most of everything else is Greek. (I always worry that I come across as an airhead when I admit this.)

As for feeling subsumated by his life, I think this is the reason why, when I began really writing regularly in the winter, I kept it a secret from him for a very long while (three months). Part of this was to see if I could self-motivate myself, and part of it was to have a private creative activity that was, well, private. Part of me was a little smug to describe my day to him in terms of the children's activities, without mentioning "and I wrote six pages!" He knows all about it now, although I haven't told him a thing about the plot. Huzzah.

Belle said...

Brooke, I totally understand the impulse to keep your writing a secret. It's this whole inner world that is yours and yours alone. And while you wouldn't want to keep it from Brian for a very long time, you can savor it and nourish it when it's just yours. That's great news, by the way, about your writing.

And coming off as an airhead? I don't think so!

Maryanne said...

Yes, Brooke, you don't come across as an airhead, but I've felt the shift too with Jared. When he started med school I really felt like I knew basically everything he knew, and that he could explain anything he came across and I'd get it. Not so much anymore. That is frustrating for me.

Malsy (THE Moe of DMOE) said...

this is how and why I became a triathlete. SOmething totally mine and totally me. but he does have to pick up the slack when I am out training, and i appreciate that. but the both-being-ivoved-in-raising-the-kids is still sadly lacking. My day is not a subset of his, i feel it is above and beyond most of the time....