This made my day

Today was the first grade dance performance at MJ's school. She came home yesterday with her costume and was so excited. She put it on immediately, and wore it for an hour until she got too hot in it. She pranced around in front of the mirror, admiring herself and explaining how I needed to do her hair. She showed me her final pose of the dance, and explained why hers was different than the rest of the class--because of more girls than boys in her class, she danced with another girl, and that put them front and center at the end when they got to flourish their full-skirted dresses.

Her class performed a traditional Mexican dance. The girls whipped their skirts around the whole time. The boys wore gold embellished sombreros. I am in love with MJ's school and couldn't be happier with what she's learning. Her Spanish has gotten so good and her accent is awesome. In a couple of years, she will overtake me with her Spanish skills. It's so fun to have a peek into the culture of the school at an event like this. The kids and teachers worked so hard to put the dances together, the costumes were amazing, and everyone had a great time. And I love that they get to experience the cultural aspects of Latin America as part of their curriculum and education. I was just so proud of her and her class and so excited that she gets to have this really unique educational opportunity.

At one point in the dance when everyone was in a long line, MJ was looking out at the audience and smiling, while the other kids were looking around, staring out, etc. She learned something about performing from ballet class.

It's hard to believe that the school year is already ending and that she has finished first grade. Her reading skills have rocketed forward this year and she has done well and enjoyed herself.
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New calling

I am sooo happy. Maybe now I can write a post about why I don't like scouting in the church. I have been holding off with it because I am trying to support AJ in his scouting calling. And what that means is that I bite my tongue and say nothing at all. But, he is getting released on Sunday--maybe he won't even have to go to scout camp this summer. And he is going to be teaching seminary for the 2008-09 school year, something I can really get behind. Plus, he will get to play the piano in primary, at least for a while. Perfect, perfect, perfect for him. Both of them. And no more family tension over scouts! Yeah!
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Happy Anniversary!

Yesterday was our 9th anniversary. I got out of bed after AJ has left to take MJ to the bus. After a cranky and off day for me, we met up briefly for dinner with the kids at Punch Pizza where we proceeded to talk about our schedule for next week while eating really tasty pizza di Napoli. Then, he went to scouts and I took the kids to Target for a few things. We got home, I gave them a cranky (all of us) bath and read them stories. Then, a good friend who I haven't talked to in a long time called. I called her back when AJ got home from scouts. I talked on the phone with her for a long time. AJ went to bed at 9:30 since he had stayed up until 2 the night before with work. After the call, I folded the laundry and fed baby Z one more time before going to bed at 12. Happy anniversary to us! And the additional bad news is that AJ is going with the scouts river rafting this weekend, so no date night.

He did get me the Lost season finale edition of the TV guide which we read together the night before our anniversary and a perfect card.

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Lost Season Finale

Oooh! It's here. The Lost finale, season 4. We'll get to find out what the heck "frozen donkey wheel" is and what it means that Locke is going to move the island. To extend the joy more fully, we are having sushi for dinner and bananas foster on the grill. I just hope the kids will go to bed both easily and quickly. Nothing worse than having to pause through the whole first hour to attend to a kid yelling down the stairs.

I don't have many predictions for tonight. Who is in the coffin? My best guess of late is Ben, but I don't really like it and don't feel convinced.

The one thing I am desperately hoping will not happen: Desmond's death. My favorite episode of the season was The Constant, which we watched the night before baby Z was born. In it, we finally got a feel good moment where Desmond and Penny get a chance to talk to each other so that Desmond can connect the two parts of himself that exist 10 years apart. When I saw him on the freighter, loaded with explosives, I worried that The Constant was the only resolution we would get to Penny and Desmond's story. Please, don't let it be so! I love Desmond.

I wouldn't feel as bad if Jin died, but I am still holding out hope that the grave was just a ruse.


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First Hair Cut

Before: Happy to be moppy

After: A little sad to be so clean cut

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Mother's Day is Father's Day

Mother's Day was, as usual, the second Sunday of May. Because of MJ's dance recital that weekend, we decided to have baby Z's blessing the same time so that AJ's parents could attend both. With the baby blessing, AJ's parents in town, and a weird sacrament meeting I didn't really dwell on the issues that usually arise on Mother's Day.

(For some reason, the ward powers that be have decided this year and last that having the young men speak would be a good way to commemorate Mother's Day. Weird. Very weird. I pushed hard to try to get AJ, who works with the young men, to get them to reschedule for another Sunday. One kid talked about how his mom has forced him to go to church and how much he doesn't like it. Another kid ended with talk with "Mothers are good. I have one." Yuck. But, of course, there were no "angel mother" talks or "mother on a pedestal" talks that I detest.)

I was feeling a little bad that AJ's parents were the only ones from our families to come to the blessing. My niece was baptized in April, and it seemed like half of my family were there. My parents went over from MT, and all my sisters that lived nearby were there with their families. They had a big family meal afterwards. Just a stark contrast to our lonely little group. And my aunt and uncle and cousins from nearby couldn't come and others we thought might come couldn't come. It felt a little lonely.

So, I was extra grateful that AJ's parents came (all the way from Italy, and a mere 3 weeks before they were to return home to Denver for good). AJ's mom got baby Z the most adorable blessing outfit from Italy. It was knit knickers, with a little round collar and a design across the chest. The sweater that went with it was double breasted. And then there was a pair of knitted booties with a little light blue design in them. He looked soo cute. The first time we tried it on him (before his hair was cut), I got choked up.

The blessing went fine. I felt strangely detached from the whole experience. I gave baby Z to AJ, and they went up to the front of the chapel where he disappeared from my view behind the curtain of suits. And the blessing. This is a blessing for his whole life, and there wasn't really anything I could do to be a part of it. AJ and I had talked some beforehand, but there wasn't much in the blessing that really connected with me. It was fine. You know. Perfectly fine. I am grateful that it happened, grateful that AJ could bless him and that his dad could participate and that "uncle B" was there. And AJ had a really great experience with him in the blessing. I am grateful for his chance to connect more with baby Z. But, it didn't draw my heart out to my child like I thought it might.



Some things from his blessing:

• Born into a precious covenant, take advantage of these blessings
• Blessed with faith in the gospel
  
• Grow up to serve a mission, marry in the temple
• Much thought and even prayer has been given to your name. Honor your name by working hard.
• Seek balance between the spiritual and the intellectual
• Special bond with your mother and the rest of your family
• Will be a strength and comfort to your mother
  

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I'm back

I haven't written much on my blog this month. There are a few reasons for this.

1. Baby Z is not sleeping so much during the day. Not as much time to write.
2. AJ's parents were here for a week. We kept busy with them. And we went on vacation over Memorial Day weekend so we kept busy getting ready to go, and then traveling and vacationing.
3. Just not as inspired. This is probably the main one. There have been a few times where I've sat down to try and write something, but nothing good has come out. I have a few books I've read that I need to write about, but I just haven't wanted to. I've been thinking about this a little bit. I've been in a bit of a funk lately. Not much, just not feeling very mentally energized, kind of low mentally.

The month didn't start off very well. Although I've mentioned it a couple of times, I haven't written about this amazing book I read a month or so ago: Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History by Laurel Thatcher Ulrich. I'm going to get around to doing this. Because it was such a wonderful book. I loved it. I was inspired by it. I read Virginia Woolf because of her, and I ordered The City of Ladies by Christine de Pizan to read. I felt so empowered by the woman Ulrich describes. I identified with them. I felt lucky to connect with them. I embraced my gender more fully by reading about them.

Then, I went to book group to discuss it. The discussion was just so flat. When no one had much to say to the first question I asked--"Which stories about women did you really like?"--I should have foreseen the end from the beginning that night. No one liked it as much as I did. No one had much to say about it. (And no one there has ever wished they were a boy before--a theme that comes up with the three main women that Ulrich discusses. Once again, I feel like a freak!)

I suppose there are a few rational reasons for the discussion: who was there and who wasn't there, how much they had read, etc. But, I had given this book and this book discussion such high expectations that it was hard not to feel disappointed. The one person who did have quite a lot to say commented that the book was too academic for her taste, too many words she didn't know the meanings of. I didn't think it would be too academic. But, maybe everyone disagreed with that.

And another side comment by this same person that made me take pause. We were talking about telling and recording our stories, as women, and someone made the comment that in our ward the women there have a lot of stories. And I said something about how I haven't been privy much to women's retelling of their own stories. This person's explanation for that was that I am intimidating. That when women sit next to me, they are intimidated because I am "so smart, so intellectual" and that that hinders them from talking to me. Really? Is that how I am really perceived? My explanation of this phenomena had more to do with my personality, my personal reserve. But, her idea has been niggling at me all month and I wonder if she's right.

It reminds me of when I was in the MTC and were were having some kind of district relationship building exercise and we had to say what strengths other members of the district had. The ones that they came up with for me were things like: always know the background to the scripture references, knows the scriptures really well. I remember being somewhat upset. I didn't just want to be brainy and intellectual. Why not something about kindness? Or a listening ear? Or testimony? And it also reminded me of when we moved to Montana when I was in sixth grade and I refused to go to the gifted class because I just wanted to be smart, but I didn't want to be only known as that smart girl.

Anyway, I left that evening feeling a little blue. And wondering if I will ever really love my ward. To make it worse, AJ didn't ask me one question about the night. How it had gone, what we had discussed. Usually, I tell him all about it. But, it was a crazy week: a major restructuring at work and his parents here. And we just never had the conversation so I haven't been able to openly process the experience.

I feel fine now. My mind is popping with ideas about what I want to write about. But, I do miss having a regular forum with lots of really smart women to discuss crazy, practical, heretical, and all sorts of ideas.

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The Prize Winner of Defiance Ohio

By Terry Ryan. This was a pretty good memoir of the author's childhood and her mother. We watched the film a few weeks back, starring Julianne Moore as the prize winning jingle writer. I didn't know this, but back in the 50's and 60's, there were a lot of company sponsored contests with prizes ranging from coffee makers and bikes to cars, cash, and trips. Through wit and grit, Evelyn Ryan managed to keep her family of 10 children out of desperate poverty through her winnings. Her jingles provided both the down payment for a house, and well as the money required to pay off a second mortgage her alcoholic husband had taken out without her knowledge.

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The Runner

The Runner : A True Account of the Amazing Lies and Fantastical Adventures of the Ivy League Impostor James Hogue, by David Samuels

This one looked great. The story of a guy who gets into Princeton in the mid 90's by making up a fantastic life story. Originally a story in the New Yorker. But, it just didn't come together for me. The author tries to weave in some self-reflection on how he and the imposter, James Hogue, are similar. And tries to talk about the the role of elite universities in maintaining the class system of the US. Hogue doesn't come alive as a personality. Overall, flat. Too bad.

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America's Women: 400 Years of Doll, Drudges, Helpmeets, and Heroines

By Gail Collins. AJ got me this one for Christmas or my birthday last year. I held off on reading it because I thought it would nicely complement Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History. And it did. Collins' book starts with the first European settlers here, including women. And then she works methodically through time, finishing up with the 60's and 70's. To sum up her subjects, a NYT book reviewer says:

All the famous heretics are here from Pocahontas, Anne Hutchinson and the witches of Salem lore to the abolitionists, suffragists, social reformers, labor organizers, civil rights activists and feminist leaders of the 19th and 20th centuries.

There are particularly affecting portraits of the Grimke sisters, Sojourner Truth, Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Clara Barton, Jane Addams, Margaret Sanger, Mother Jones and many more. They mingle with Annie Oakley sharpshooting her way to freedom in wild West shows, the Gibson Girl setting loose on her bicycle, the flapper in her Model T and the legendary romantic heroines of American stage and screen who reshaped women's aspirations here and around the world through their embrace of modern culture, not politics.

She also focuses on every day life for women: what daily chores looked like, how women took care of menstruation, what birth control has looked like through time.

Collins does a great job of covering the experiences of lots of different kinds of women: immigrants, poor, and black women in addition to middle class whites. She shows the diversity of women's experiences. But, because she covers so much history and so many different women, it is hard for me to keep details of very many women in my mind.

A key theme throughout her book is the "The center of our story is the tension between the yearning to create a home and the urge to get out of it." She shows that this has been a centuries long struggle for American women, "a struggle to straighten out the perpetually mixed message about women's roles."

Similar to Ulrich's book, she mentions that women who make history are those that have left behind a great deal of information. "New England spinsters get way more that their share of attention because of their winning habit of keeping diaries. Native American women who had no written language left behind almost nothing of their voices."

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