A long time ago, in what almost seems like another galaxy, I was single. But, I was newly engaged and had just relocated to New Jersey where I would be starting grad school a couple of months later. AJ was also living in Jersey, about an hour from me, for a summer internship.
One Saturday, we drove to the Hill Cumorah pageant with a bunch of single adults. On the way, we stopped at the Corning Museum of Glass to have a look around. AJ and I had had lots of impassioned discussions about what our future life would be like. We had talked a lot about gender and gender roles and he knew I had some issues. In fact, those discussions started long before we were engaged and dating.
I don't remember much about what led up to another discussion of gender in the museum, but I do remember this from AJ: "Just promise me that we will never put our kids in full time day care."
I hemmed and hawed because who knew what our future held? But, I think I eventually said ok.
Now, all these years later, I am on the verge of starting a full time job. It's not exactly the scenario I would have chosen, but all in all, I am excited and invigorated by the prospects. And not only that, but AJ is 100% behind the decision as well.
We've been through lots of different things, but less than a lot of other people. No major illnesses, no major financial problems, no more craziness than an average family. Compared to then, we are probably more cynical about some things, but still hold out hope for other things, maybe foolishly. We have three kids that quarrel and an often untidy house in the suburbs. You know. Just a pretty normal life.
Through both the mundane and life altering changes, I am grateful that we have been able to evolve as a couple and a family. I am particularly grateful for AJ and for his ability and willingness to envision and enact a different life than he anticipated.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Changing Together
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11 comments:
the uncertainty, surprises, changes, adjustments, even compromise but always a lot of love and understanding..that keeps one going and going so good. with your little personal story you said a lot. :)
I love this! I feel like I have done a fair share of "bait and switching" with Ed and he has been more than wonderful about it. Congrats on your new job (I hope you write about it soon!) and I hope the transition is a smooth one for the entire family!
Good for you both!
Job????????
Thank you for sharing this. You and AJ provide a great example of equal partnership.
I'm so proud of you that you got the job, although I am not surprised in the least.
Tongue Trip--yes, I hope there is compromise going both ways!
Jen--What would you say your bait and switches are? I would think that with Ed being a convert, expectations would be so different from a raised-Mormon-kind-of-guy. AJ has used the phrase "bait and switch" joking with me, to which I reply "you knew what I was when you picked me up." (from Boyd Packer narrated American Indian story of a young warrior picking a snake up at the top of the frozen mountain to carry it to the bottom, only to get fatally bitten once they reached it. Made into a seminary video.)
I'll probably write more about the job later, but in brief, it's at the state department of education and I'll work as a quantitative analyst for the special education policy division. At this somewhat ethereal point, it feels like a good fit for my background and interests. We'll see how it all works out.
Maria--thanks for that! We struggle every day (it feels like) trying to figure out how to work things out. And honestly, I am still surprised I got the job given my lack of being in the market ever since I defended and the current state of the economy. I thank my lucky stars for it.
And Lucy--I hope it is good for us both! I worry sometimes about what roads we're bypassing.
Yay! Congratulations about the job! Here's to hoping the transition goes (is going?) smoothly.
Belle - This is kind of late to the discussion, but maybe "bait and switch" was a strong term and I definitely did not mean to imply that you had ever done that to AJ so I hope you didn't take it that way.
When Ed and I met, I was headed to grad school and was very eager to have a career and prove everyone who thought I was continuing my education only because I hadn't gotten married and needed a distraction and/or a way to find a husband wrong. Ed was totally on board with my need to have a career. I think he felt relieved not to have the pressure of being the only family breadwinner. But then, he got an offer from the NY Times and how could I possibly let him pass that up? And I found myself pregnant, with no job contacts in NYC....and then overwhelmed with a newborn and I couldn't really fathom going back to work. And then I was pregnant again, and it seemed that much harder to work outside the home .....and pretty soon we found ourselves in a very traditional marriage with neither of us very happy about that aspect of our marriage (lots of pressure on Ed to provide and too much time spent with the kids and cleaning house for me).
Very recently, with my new job (only part-time but for a small company...that I love), I feel much more balanced and gladly handed off some of the housework to him. However, I still wonder if he thought he was marrying career girl and got a less ambitious, sometimes less confident and often conflicted version of her instead.
You are right, Ed didn't come with the mormon male stereotype baggage, which made things infinitely easier. There are very few AJ's in the church, I'm afraid. But he did come from an environment at Stanford where women were highly driven....and I'm not sure he expected to marry anyone else.
And I think I remember that seminary video, that is a funny reference.
p.s. I would love to hear more about your job once you get a good feel for it. I don't know a lot about Minnesota schools, but I do know that they generally have top-notch autism services, to the point that we have considered a move if a job opportunity ever came along (although I have serious doubts about my ability to endure a Minnesota winter)
Jen--this is a really late response to your comment. It's funny to think that our "baits and switches" were in opposite directions. You just have to take life as it comes and be adaptable as a family. I really wish I wasn't working full time--and I hope I can work myself into even an 80% job. But, for now, this is what we're doing. And we have to figure out how to work out all those details.
I don't have much background in SpEd, but I have learned so much already, and will be learning more and more. I did some looking at the SpEd population in our state, and 15% of the kids with IEPs are ASD. It's one of the biggest groups. One of the program specialists is completely devoted to ASD. I'd like to hear more about what kind of program Noe is in and how you have navigated the system. I keep thinking about the post you put up on your blog about what your days are like.
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