My Nit-Picking Response to Mothers who Know

Back in October, we were in Italy. I didn't have a chance to listen to President Beck's talk directly, because of the time difference, and AJ was able to warn me that it could be potentially upsetting to me. I liked that I had some time to emotionally prepare for it. It didn't hit me over the head and I didn't have the extremely emotional negative reaction that I have had at other times. I've felt for a while that I should write out my thoughts about this talk, but didn't have the catalyst until today.


In RS, we had a lesson based mostly on her talk from October 2007, Mothers Who Know. We were also supposed to discuss Elder Oakes' talk, Good, Better, Best. Unfortunately, the teacher fell ill at the last minute, and our RS president stepped in to teach the lesson. I thought she did a great job filling is, but what got left behind was a cohesive melding of the two talks. While they complement each other very nicely, we didn't have time for Elder Oakes' talk, but spent the whole time on President Beck's.

I reread both talks this morning. I think that they are full of inspirational counsel. But, I should have known better than to sit through this lesson. Whenever discussions of "women's roles" come up at church, I tend to get antsy, upset, and frustrated. It wasn't that there were any comments that I hated or totally disagreed with. Maybe it's just my lingering issues that make me ultra-sensitive to any discussion in a church setting like this. I thought there were a lot of insightful comments. But, sometimes I just feel like a fish out of water.

And part of it is President Beck's talk itself. I feel like to get what is helpful to me out of it, I have to look beyond her words to what I think she means. Is that twisting her words? I feel like some sections of her talk were poorly worded, or that the emphasis was on the wrong things. I don't know, though. Maybe she really did want to emphasize what she did.

I'm going resist the urge to break apart everything that bugged me about this talk, but I want to vent about a couple of sections.

Mothers Who Know Honor Sacred Ordinances and Covenants:

Ok, sounds great. I totally agree with this sentiment. I feel like the section title is somewhat misleading, though, because she is talking more about helping kids to learn how to honor covenants. I suppose that when we help our kids make and keep covenants then we are honoring our own covenants?

But, my major issue has to do with her concrete example. According to her, mothers who know get their children ready for church with white missionary shirts and hair cuts, with clean and ironed dresses, and with perfectly brushed hair. By making our children neat and tidy for sacrament meeting, we show them how important it is to take the sacrament. Huh??? In Elder Oakes' parlance, I think that this is good. But what would be best, in my opinion, is coming to church spiritually ready to take the sacrament--I don't care if my teenage sons want to grow their hair longer and if they don't always have a white shirt on. We have some baseline of decency in how the kids look in getting ready for church, but I don't really think my three year old needs a tie on and his shirt tucked in at this point, and it just isn't worth the fight if my 6 year old daughter wants to wear an outfit that I don't like. Today, neither one of them got their hair combed, but I thought they looked fine. What is much more detrimental, in my mind, is when we show up to the pews angry and frustrated. When I have dragged them out of the house to get into the car. When we are not in a state of mind to be at church. We look fine and perhaps we smile at people as we enter. But, internally, we are not in a good place. I don't think Sister Beck would disagree that this is more important, but I really dislike her emphasis on the exterior and on appearances. Why focus on that to the exclusion of what's more important?

I almost raised my hand to comment on this today, but then didn't.

Mothers Who Know Are Nurturers

This was the section of the talk that I had the most problem with. Again, the section title is just fine with me. I nurture my children. (So does AJ for that matter.) Nurturing children is important, one of the most important things that both men and women do during their time on the earth.

The most troublesome statement of her entire talk to me is this: "Another word for nurturing is homemaking." Um, I guess with some clarification and more in depth discussion, I could accept that. Maybe. A big maybe. IF we are talking about making a home, about knitting together a family in love (as one woman suggested today in the lesson, but which Pres Beck doesn't say). If we set aside the common meaning of homemaking as the housework.

But, this is not what she does. She emphasizes the housework to the exclusion of a discussion of our relationships with our children. She talks about making home a place of order where we can have a climate for spiritual growth. I don't disagree that this is important. Instead, I am frustrated by what she leaves out. And I really dislike equating nurturing and homemaking. Why can't we separate them? I think that this is exactly what Elder Oakes does in his talk when he starts with the Mary and Martha story. One thing is expedient and Mary has chosen the better part.

This was the most uncomfortable part of the lesson for me. The RS president asked me to read this section of the talk since not a lot of women had the talk in from of them. Luckily, there was a small distraction comment from the time she asked me to read until the time the section needed to be read. Just enough time for me to pass the talk to the row in front of me to my understanding neighbor L. Yes, I refused to read the quotation. What really made me feel uncomfortable was that sitting next to L was the stake RS president. She could easily see, and she did see, the big black comments I had made next to that section: "totally disagree" and "ugh". Nice, huh? And then I felt like I had to respond somehow to my refusal to read that section and tried to state in a nice way why I didn't like the conflation of nurturing and homemaking. During that, I got emotional and started crying. Oh, why did I do that? I'm not even sure why I had that reaction. But, I felt pretty ridiculous for breaking down.

Anyway, the lesson went on and I was working internally to disengage myself from it. I didn't want to think much more about it the implications of the talk, what Pres Beck was trying to say to women. During the lesson, I had some more thoughts about my relationship with AJ and where we are on all these things. I think I'll do a separate post about that.

My other broad brush problems with Pres Beck's talk:

1. Very much targeted at middle class women in the United States.

2. It seemed to provide too narrow of a description for "mothers who know." I wish she would have talked broadly, to mothers, about becoming disciples of Jesus Christ, about seeking personal revelation, about finding our own personal paths, and building upon our talents. Again, I don't think she would say that any of these things is unimportant, but I struggle to understand why she chose to emphasize what she did.

3. So much of what she said is completely applicable to fathers. Just because I am a woman and mother, I don't have a corner on nurturing and household organization. Father who know are also teachers and leader. Families who know choose to do less. Why not talk about fathers too? If we're talking in ideals, then include the dads!

4. Some of the things that she said at the end of her talk, I really liked. Mothers who know do less--this section is about simplifying our lives, spending time together working and playing, not trying to do everything. This is just what Elder Oakes talk is about. This seems to directly contradict her earlier admonition about homemaking.

Anyway, I left RS feeling a little emotionally drained. I didn't really want to engage with anyone about the lesson or Pres Beck's talk or my (freakish) reaction to it. It was easier (!!!) to listen to people tell me that I looked like I was going to have a baby in a few minutes or that I looked like I was going to "pop" any moment. (Don't ever say anything like that to a very pregnant lady.)